I recently received an email from a wife who told me that her husband had recently began a very frustrating and hurtful habit. Every time they disagreed, fought, argued or just failed to connect, he would let it slip that he didn't think that he loved her anymore. This was happening with more and more frequency all of the time. And yet, nothing was changing. He was making no move to get counseling, separate, or divorce. He was basically just stating what he felt were the facts but not doing a thing to back this up.
The wife was at a loss at to how she should respond. At first, she would respond with hurt and alarm and want to talk about things, but now, as it was happening more and more often, she'd almost grown tired of this game. She was almost ready to call his bluff and to tell him that if he was so unhappy then he should take some action. But, deep down she knew that she still loved him and she did not want to jeopardize and potentially end her marriage. She wanted to know what was her best plan of action to fix this. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
Why He Might Just Be Trying To Get Your Attention When He Keeps Claiming He Doesn't Love You: The first thing that struck me about this story was that this whole cycle had been going on for a long time and yet, the husband hadn't made any move or initiated any changes. How miserable could he really be if he was allowing for things to remain the same? Often in these situations, the husband is trying very hard to get his wife's attention and he knows the old "I don't love you anymore" line is going to get her attention in probably a way that nothing else will.
The bottom line is often that he wants to see some change or some improvement but he has no idea how to go about making this happen. Often, he's been previously dropping little hints or trying small things to bring about some change but he usually perceives that these things just aren't working. So, once he gets to the "I don't love you anymore" talk, then, in his own mind, he's pulling out all of the stops because he doesn't know what else to do at that point.
Often He Means That He No Longer Loves How The Relationship Is Going, Not That He No Longer Loves You: Many times, after you hear something over and over again, then you eventually start to believe it. But many times, he doesn't mean it in the way that you're taking it. As I said, he's often at his wit's end at the way that things are going and in the fact that they aren't changing. It's often very clear that the relationship is not giving either of you the pay off that it once did. This is often what he is trying to communicate.
What he sometimes really means is that he misses the intense feelings that went hand and hand with a very high quality and quantity of time together. And it's highly likely that you feel the same way. Who doesn't miss the intense and pleasurable feelings that come in the sweet early stages of the relationship – when you can't spend enough time together or get enough of each other? Or when you think that this person finally "gets" who you are and understands that you are special and rare and the perfect combination and attributes that are going to work very nicely with their own unique qualities.
Everyone loves feeling that they are worth your time and attention and that they have the ability to make you feel loved, understood, and very good about yourself. This is the type of pay off that makes you want to make the relationship more permanent and lasting. But, as these things fade, people will often mistakenly think that the spark is gone or that they are falling out of love with their spouse.
In fact, it's often not the feelings of "being in love" that are gone, it's the time and attention that used to go hand and hand with the feelings. This is not any one's fault. It's just the natural course of serious relationships. However, if you can change your time allotment and priorities, you can often begin to get this back on track.
Responding To His Repeated Claims That He Doesn't Love You Anymore: Even though there is sometimes a logical explanation for his behavior, that doesn't make it acceptable. It's silly to keep going on this way. His words are hurtful and worse, they aren't doing either of you any good or spurring on any change. So, the next time he starts with this "I don't love you" song and dance, stop him. Calmly tell him that when he talks like this, it really hurts you. To that end, you want to take some action to change the very destructive course that you're on. Tell him that you're willing to make changes because you too are unhappy and you both deserve to feel and be loved.
Vow to work with him to make things better but be clear that you no longer want to hear this kind of destructive talk – especially when he does not follow it up with any positive action. Once you get this out, see if he will let you dig a little deeper. Ask him if he will share what is REALLY bothering him. Because his repeatedly saying that he doesn't love you is a plea for your attention. Give him this attention, but let him know that there are better ways to get your attention, and that you don't want to continue on with the hurtful words with no real action to make things better.
My husband told me that he didn't love me several times before he began to withdraw completely. Thank goodness I didn't let that stop me. I kept right on working on the marriage (by myself, since he wasn't interested at first.) Eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was able to not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. So, it was very much worth the effort. You can read a very personal story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
About the Author:Leslie Cane's blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com. She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.
