Grief, when YOU are going through it, can feel like you have your head in a bucket of water and no one is noticing you are drowning.

It feels like your tears will never end, your head hurts. Your nose is sore from blowing and wiping it. Your eyes are swollen shut and you feel as if you cry one more tear you will become dehydrated.

You are weak and feel useless and just want to go to bed and curl up and return to the wonderful, warm, womb of your mother, but you know that is not a reality, so you cry some more.

You want to ask someone, anyone WHY, WHY did this happen to you. You reason that you do not deserve this kind of suffering, and imagine that some demon is tormenting you because you are too good a person. “They” want you to become like them, so they torment you. The crying wanes, you feel a surge of anger and a need to revenge the cause of your pain.

Hatred may seep into your psyche, something that is foreign to you, but you HATE the object of your suffering. You would serve up their just desserts if you could just figure something that would justify the evilness they have dumped on you.

Guilt swims around your brain, not because you have done anything wrong, but because of those feelings of hatred. The guilt is not justified. Self-preservation tells you the guilt is a fantasy…has nothing to do with you

Eventually if you are half way healthy, you are able to compartmentalize those feelings of pain, grief, hatred, blame and guilt. That hell is not worth dwelling in. You refuse to stay on the floor. Your vision becomes cleared and you remember that you are a good person and you are worth more than this and you won’t take it anymore!

If you are lucky you will seek and find the support you need, whether it be professional or group support, but your confidence and self-esteem need to swell. You cry less. Hatred, blame and guilt seem to be disappearing down that dark alley.

When you look into the mirror, you begin to recognize that confident, smiling person you used to be. You are in control now. Oh, you will ride the up and down surges that follow, but you see clearly enough to know that with every downswing there will be an upswing. Sooner or later you will get off of the swing and level out.

HOW DO I KNOW ALL THIS? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT GRIEF.

Well, I have been there and back so many times I am writing a book about it

My first taste of grief and loss was at three years old, when my beloved Grandfather died and disappeared to be seen no more. My questions of “Where’s Grandpa?” were answered with “He’s in heaven.”

“What’s heaven?”

“Well, he’s with God in heaven.”

“Will I ever see him again?”

“Yes when you die.

Heaven, God, meant nothing to me then, but that it was supposed to be a happy, good place to be. I wanted to go there, but was told I couldn’t. Even at three years old, having to die to see my Grandpa was not an option. I knew what happened to my dead kitty.

I still miss my Grandpa.

In the early years of my first marriage, three of my babies died and …“went to heaven.”

Shortly after I had had my seventh baby, a fiendish sister-in-law and her boy friend murdered my younger brother for insurance money. Decapitated him, so no one would know who he was if he was ever found. My sweet, good hearted little brother, who had spent his last night looking after our ailing parents.

The grief almost killed my father and cut into my gentle mom’s soul so deeply, she couldn’t speak about it until years later. When she talked about forgiving them I thought she had lost her mind. This is a story in itself that will have to be another article or even a book.

My Grandmother died at 85, the grandmother who used to stick $20 bills in my shirt because she knew I would give it back to her if she stuck it in my hand, The Grandmother who always saw to it that I attended my church and went to Parochial School even if my parents of five children, couldn’t afford it.

Beloved, aunts and uncles passed on through the years.

My marriage was filled with infidelity, lies, selfishness and confusion with my belief in God because I was a good person and a good wife and mother, but that was not enough for that husband. Why? Why? Why?

His desertion of his family was my gift! All the emotions mentioned above were my way of life for 19 years and then FREEDOM!

Four years later after the divorce, I was convinced to give my telephone number to a fine gentleman, “just for a phone call,” my girlfriend said. That phone call turned into a two-hour conversation, dates and eventual remarriage to my wonderful second husband.

For 15 years my life seemed to be a gift for all my suffering through the former years. We were happy in our blended family.

Maybe I am selfish, but those 15 years were not long enough, because my husband died from complications of smoking, heart disease, diabetes and COPD.

Yep, another trek down the grief hole.

Do I know about Grief? You bet I do. But what I do know is that I have become a more compassionate person, more understanding, more forgiving and loving. Had I not been down the grief hole so many times I may not be who I am now and perhaps, shallow and oblivious to the pain of others. My lessons in life have been to make me a good ear for those who are suffering, and hopefully fulfilling my mission in life.

Grief can be a life teacher.