Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2005.

<strong>TWITS, TWERPS & TWIZZLE STICKS

-- Or, there's more to being dumb than you think! --</strong>

North America, (and some might even go so far as to include a country due north of the 49th parallel known as "The Land of Ice & Snow"), has a quixotic fascination with, if not a fondness for, simple-minded souls.

A quick check of my favorite Internet search engine, "Google", reveals no less than 1,990,000 pages devoted to "dummies". In second place, we have a mere 1,670,000 web pages highlighting the antics of "idiots". And third place goes to the ship of "fools", containing more than 1,610,000 pages of bewildering bumpf designed to bemuse if not boggle the brains of "bozos" and their close relatives, the bucolic "bumpkins".

To meet the ever-increasing demands of this "mental giant" mega-market, we now have an entire easy-to-read book industry that publishes "how to" guides for "idiots" and "dummies". "Fools" have yet to agree on who should represent their scatter-brained needs and lollygagging pursuits. And, since "Bozos" and "Bumpkins" have rather infinitesimal brains, their only aspiration in life is to eat, drink, sleep, and fight a lot.

To appreciate the importance of this fatuous fraternity, I have compiled a list of more than 400 English language words and phrases used to describe those who are said to be insignificant souls lacking common powers of understanding, judgment and prudence, or those who manage to spend their ludicrous lifetime trifling with trivial matters.

If you come across some new words, feel free to try them out on your friends, family members, or perhaps even a few foes. With a bit of practice, you can then share them with far flung folk who might enjoy adding a little levity to their deep-in-thought days as "dweebs", "dingbats", or "dunderheads".

For those with sixty-second attention spans, just throw a dart to select your weird word for the day!

A: Aardvark, Addlebrain, Addle-Cove, Afterling, Airball, Airhead, "All Gong and No Dinner", Also-Ran, Arm Candy, Arse, Ass

B: Babbler, "Bag of Nails", "Bag of Wind", Balmy, Batbrain, Batty, Bazooka, Beanbrain, Bean-Head, Bearded-Weirdie, Bel-Shangle, Billy Barlow, Binlid, Birdbrain, Biscuit-Eater, Bizarro, Blatherskite, Blitherer, Blockhead, Block Ornament, Blob, Bloke, Blowhole, Blubberhead, Blunderbuss, Blunderhead, Blue Devil, Blutterbunged, Bogue, Bollocks, Boffo, Bonehead, Bonetop, Boob, Booberkin, Boofa, Boofer, Booby, Boor, Bore, Botcher, Bozo, Brainless Wonder, Brick, Brown Bagger, Bubble, Bubblehead, Buffle, Bufflehead, Buffoon, Buffy, Bullheaded, Bum, Bump On a Log, Bumpkin, Bungler, Bunny, Bush Bunny, Bush-Leaguer, Buttered Bun, Butterfingers, Butthead, Buttinski, Butt Munch, Buzzard

C: Cabbage-Head, Cad, Cheese Cake, Chooch, Chuff, Chump, Churl, Clam, Clatterbox, Clatterbrain, Clod, Clodhopper, Clodplate, Clodpole, Clone, Closet Case, Clot, Clown, Clueless, Cluck, Cluckhead, Clumperton, Clunker, Cockamamie, Codfish, Coot, Corkhead, Country Chub, Crackpot, Crank, Crazy Arse, Cream-Puff, Cretan, Crock, Cuckoo, Cully

D: Daffy, Dandyprat, Dansey-Headed, Deadbeat, Dead From The Ears Up, Deadhead, Dialtone, Dickbrain, Dickey-Dido, Dickhead, Dilberry, Dildock, Dim Bulb, Dimwit, Dingaling, Dingbat, Dingleberry, Dink, Dipshit, Dipstick, Ditz, Div, Divvy, Dizzy Flat, Dodo, Dodo Bird, Doddypoll, Do-Little, Dolt/ish, Donkey, Doobie, Doodle, Doofus, Doorknob, Door-Stopper, Dope, Dopey, Dork, Dorkhead, Dotard, Drip, Drone, Drooly, Drop-Case, Dropkick, Duck, Dud, Duffer, Dudley Do-Gooder, Dullard, Dull Pickle, Dull Swift, Dull-witted, Dumbbell, Dumbhead, Dum-Dum, Dumb-Ox, Dummkopf, Dummling, Dummy, Dunce, Dunderhead, Driveller, Dweeb, Dweezle

E: Eccentric, Egghead, Egg-Sucker, El Dorko, Empty-headed

F: Fadoodle, Fall Guy, Fair Game, Far Out, Fathead, Fizgig, Flake, Fleak, Featherbrained, Feather-Head, Flake, Flapdoodle, Flop, Flounderer, Fluke, Fly-Catcher, Flop, Fonkin, Fopdoodle, Four-oh-Four, Fruitcake, Fruit Loop, Fumbler

G: Gabes, Gadabout, Gadwall, Gaffer, Galoot, "Gates are Down, the Lights are Flashing, but the Train Isn't Coming", Gawkhead, Gawny, Gerbil, Giddy Goat, Giddyhead, Glom, Goob, Goober, Goof, Goofball, Goof-Off, Goof-Up, Gooby, Googie, Goombah, Goomer, Goonie, Goonie Bird, Goon Head, Goopy, Gooseberry, Goose Cap, Gourd, Groutnoll, Grunt, Guddha, Gudgeon, Guffin, Guffoon, Guffy, Gull, Gumby, Gummy, Gump

H: Half-Ass, Half-Bake, Half-Wit, Harebrained, Hasher, Hayseed, Hick, Hobnail, Hobby Horse, Ho-Daddy, Hoddy-Doddy, Hoddypeak, Hood Ornament, Horrid Horn, Horse's Arse, Hubble-Bubble Fellow, Humbler, Humpty-Dumpty, Hunk, Hussy

I: Idiot, Ignoramus, Imbecile, Innocent

J: Jabberknowl, Jack-a-Lent, Jackanapes, Jackass, Jarhead, Jerk, Jerkhead, Jester, Jibbernoll, Jingle Brains, Jobbard, Jobbernowl, Jock, Joker, Jolthead, Joltherhead, Juice Head, Jumping Jack

K: Kafkaesque, Klutz, Knobber, Knucklehead, Kook

L: Lame, Lamebrain, Laughingstock, Lights On But Nobody's Home, Lightweight, Liripoop, Liricomtwang, Lob Cock, Log, Looby, Loon, Looney/ie/y, Looney/ie Tune, Lunie/y, Loose Screw, Loser, Low-Brow, Lubber, Lug Nut, Lummox, Lumpkin, Lunchbucket, Lunk, Lunkhead

M: Mad Hatter, Marplot, Martian, Meatball, Meathead, Melon, Melonhead, Mental Giant, Mental Midget, Mess, Mismanager, Missing Link, Mobard, Mooncalf, Moonshiner, Moony, Mopstick, Moron, Mouth-Breather, Mudcat, Mudding-Face, Muddler, Muddle-headed, Muff, Muffer, Muffin, Mundivagant, Muppet, Murphy, Musher, Mushroom, Mutt, Mutton-Head,

N: Ned Fool, Neddy, Nerd, Nerk, Newt, Nick-Ninny, Niffy-Naffy Fellow, Nigit, Nigmenog, Nimrod, Nincompoop, Ninny, Ninnyhammer, Nit, Nitwit, Nob, Nocky Boy, Nod Cock, Noddipol, Noddy, Noddy Pate, Non Compos Mentis, Noodle, Noodlebrain, Noodlehead, Noodnick/Nudnick, Not-All-There, Not-With-It, Nugget, Numbnuts, Numbskull, Numbwit, Nutbar, Nut Case, Nuts, Nutso, Nutty

O: Oaf, Oddball, Odd Fish, "Off One's Trolley or Rocker", Oolfoo, Onionhead, Out-To-Lunch

P: Paper Skull, Pig Widgin, Pillock, Pinhead, Pintail, Pipsqueak, Pixilated, Plodder, Plump-Pate, Poggle, Pointy-Head, Poop, Poop Noddy, Poor Fish, Potato-Head, Powder-Puff, Prawn-Head, Prat, Prick, Pronk, Puggly, "Pull a Boner", Pumpkin Head, Push-Over

Q: Queer Bird, Queer Fish, Quince

R: Rabbit, Rattlehead, Rockhead, Rube, Rustic

S: Sap, Sap-Pate, Sawney, Scatterbrained, Schlemiel, Schlepper, Schmuck, Schnook, Screwball, Screw Up, Screwy, Shallow Pate, Short Stop, Shot Clog, Silly Willy, Simp, Simpkin, Simple Simon, Simpleminded, Simpleton, Slow-on-the-Uptake, Smerf, Sockhead, Sophead, Spoiler, Square Brain, Stooge, Stoop, Stupe, Stupid as an Ox, Sucker

T: Teabag, Thickhead, Thickskulled, Thick-witted, Tirliry-Puffkin, Toady, Tom Doodle, Tomfool, Tom-Farthing, Torpid, Turkey, Twerp, Twillip, Twit, Twizzle Stick, Two Left Feet

U: Unconnected, Under-Achiever

V: Vortex of Vacuousness, Vapid Vixen, Vegetater, Vestigial Remnant, Vulgarian

W: Wacky, Wall-Hugger, Wally, Was-Bird, Wash-Out, Weener, Weenie, Weeny, Weeney, Whack-a-doo, Whack Job, Whaco, Whiffet, Whifflegig, Whifflling, Wipe-Out, Wiener, Wienie, Wierdie, Wierdo, Wierdy, Windbag, Wind Sock, Wind-Sucker, Wingnut, Wiseacre, Whoop-Dee-Doer, Witless, Witling, Womble, Woodcock, Wooly Crown

Y: Yahoo, Yap, Yard Bird, Yawner, Yawper, Yapper, Yea and Nay Man, Yisser, Yob, Yobbo, Yokel, Yoo-Hoo, Yo-Yo

Z: Zany, Zelda, Zero, Zilch, Zip, Zipalid, Zipperhead, Zipperlid, Zombie, Zuggers, Zwodder

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Theolonius Mctavish, (an irreverent iconoclast with a penchant for pink elephants, Virgos with Cancer rising, and glow-in-the-dark hoola hoops), can often be found lounging about in the Court of The Quipping Queen at <strong>http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/<a/></strong>