ALL THINGS TICKETY-BOO

Or, are you sure everything's A-Okay?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Head, Department of the Highly Suspect & Grossly Exaggerated Facts of Life, (more commonly referred to as figments of one's imagination, farcical flimflam or simply fanciful fluff that often give rise to too much heated debate among ephemeral egg-heads at the Creative Loafing Institute, an under-funded, under-appreciated, and under-the-radar research center situated somewhere in an out-of-the-way closet, cubbyhole, or cubicle at the highly-esteemed University of the Bleeding Obvious).

"Tickety-Boo", (or the lesser-known "tiggerty-boo"), is a rather titillating tidbit to utter when one feels that "everything's coming up roses", "life's a bowl full of cherries", or "all's right with the world".

It is said that this saucy syllabled adjective originated during the heady days of British colonial rule in India. Nowadays it's become a curious, quaint, Canadian expression meaning, "good to go", "in working order" or "running smoothly".

Trust those inhabitants from the 'Land of Sasquatch, Snow Forts & Santa Claus' to come up with some positive thinking to get their minds off the bone-chilling, bun-numbing winter temperatures or having to their find big boots, bug repellant, and bumbershoots during a two-week long wet summer break with three rays of sunshine.

Other versions of "everything's OK", "no problem" or "peachy keen" expressions describing one's attitude to life include a contribution from those ever so charming 'Yankee Doodle Dandies' who prefer a word with a little more clout, oomph, and punch like, "hunky-dory".

So "hunky-dory" aside, just what things do people associate with "tickety-boo"? Well, after an exhaustive investigation of some 40,800 web pages devoted to "tickety-boo", here are a few fabulous frivolities that might impress the pants off all one's "know-it-all" friends, or put a sock in the mouth of the obnoxious "been there, done that" types.

** An artist management and small television company in Victoria, B.C. (with a blooming cactus on their homepage...perhaps implying they can transform prickly plants into posh plonk or pin-headed personalities into plucky pixies?)

** A UK company offers handcrafted fairy-boxes, door-pegs, and clocks (for those who are bored with meandering about in the aisles of bix box stores looking for fruit-flavored baking-soda toothpaste, anti-streak and smudge-resistant kitchen detergent, and knee-high hosiery that won't fall down after the first wearing).

** A British pet, possessions and property-minding service that caters to jet-setters, junket-lovers, and just jaunty retirees willing to pay the price for a hassle-free home security service, (while they buzz off to burn themselves on beaches, bleed profusely from bedbug bites, or just go blotto from one too many Bloody Marys!)

** If you like something that's charitable, full-bodied, fairly-trade, and nice -- then taste some "Tickety-Boo Tea" (...who said itty-bitty baggies aren't fun?)

** "Super skinny On-One Tickety-Boo rubber grips for maximum control" might just do the trick (...especially if one's into bikes and not boudoirs!)

** What makes "The Land of Milk And Honey" go round? Buy "Ticketyboo-Nappies" on eBay, (millions of wee wet wunderkinds can't do without them!)

** On your next trip to Nottingham, do drop by the "Tickety-Boo Day Nursery" (...where Robin Hood & His Merry Men are practicing how to bond with bunnykins not to mention how to change and dispose of dirty diapers in an environmentally-friendly manner without incurring high landfill tipping fees in the 21st century?)

** Need a bleeping boost? ...Down this digital ditty entitled, "Tickety-Boo School Tie"! (and maybe you'll be inspired to write your own wacky or weird tune!)

** "Tickety-Boo Can Do It For You!" (...Especially if you're a bellyaching bride-to-be or a perturbed princess from up North somewhere who refuses to spin oodles of yarn or sew her own gown without the help of a frumpy fairy godmother who adores playing with pesky pins, naughty needles, and spunky spools of thread!)

** A 62-foot boat with a stern deck built to accommodate a motor scooter, a diesel boiler with fin rads; a small day cabin replete with a galley, L-shaped sofa bed with freezer beneath, wet-locker; a bedroom with a brass double-bed, a loo with a 'Vacuflush' toilet system and a curved "Showerlux' unit (...the only question is will it accommodate mermaids, mermen and other merry monsters of the deep?)

** A delightful, affectionate donkey who loves to be cuddled stroked but doesn't like to be photographed; (why not call it DNA, a Dysfunctional Nipping Animal?)

So next time when it's raining cats and dogs, you've lost your bumbershoot, and your cell phone won't work to call a cab, bear in mind that "every cloud has a silver lining". More to the point, pucker up and put a smile on your face, hum a happy tune from your ripsnorting repertoire, and last of all -- remember -- it's up to you to find your own tickety-boo in life!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, an ardent air bag enthusiast and tie-dyed T-shirt type who spends far too much time trotting about in the quirky Court of The Quipping Queen and a curious cosmic place called The Wordorium.