GUNG HAY FAT CHOY ALL YOU PARTY POOCHES!

Or, time to kowtow to bow-wow!

Theolonius McTavish, a dansey-headed, deep-musing, do-it-yourself dendranthopologist, (better known as one who's just descended from the Tree of Knowledge to learn that it's time to pay tribute to man's best four-legged friend in a dilettantish dog-eat-dog world!)

The Chinese New Year always makes for great fun and oodles of frolic. And 2006 is no exception with everyone and his dog paying tribute to the "Year of the Dog" ...naturally.

So put on your weatherproof woof-woof outfit, and shake a leg (preferably near a fire-hydrant if you please)! Or if that's out of the question, just try waddling, wiggling or wagging your trusty tail at man's best friend, "Fido" or "Fifi" as the case may be.

According to Chinese astrology, here's what's in store for these four categories of canine creatures:

Wood Dog - Best advice: stay away from all manner of extreme-stuff, especially mutt-makeovers and skateboarding with stray scamps! And, whatever you do, beware of pesky pooches and nervous-Nellies, they're sure to leave you with a bad case of the hives or else far too many itches in places that you can't scratch ...not in a million years!

Fire Dog - Some people will call you one very "hot dog", and why not? Finally your creative imagination is paying off ...as all those delightful duct tape sculptures and paint-by-numbers portraits of dogmatic do-it-yourselfers just like you will finally grace the well-disposed walls of dapper doghouses the world over!

Earth Dog - We all know that you love keeping your nose to the grindstone which means you'll have difficulty this year sniffing out useless opportunities leading nowhere fast. The good news is you can eliminate a gloomy atmosphere by exercising your seething jealous genes for a change. That's bound to make your pooch partner one very unhappy camper ...in what otherwise might have been a "hot diggety-dog-diggity, boom what you do to me" moment in time!

Metal Dog - Heavy metal music has always been your thing, but this year you may run into some domestic disasters. A certain whippet wunderkin next door is threatening to call the city bylaw enforcement officer (who's determined to put you behind bars where you'll be obliged to listen to nothing but "Jailhouse Rock" for the rest of the year). Smile, it could be worse!

Water Dog - Yes, we know how much you adore your water wings and why you love to show off your dog-paddle. But the astral climate is changing throwing monkeys into wrenches, raining cats and cogs, and melting polar ice caps leaving Abominable people of snow and one red tunic jocular-challenged pissed off with the impending loss of their habitat and jobs. Suck it up, adapt, and learn how to become a frequent flyer ...that's why the Big-Guy-In-The-Sky gave you large floppy ears, a streamlined undercarriage, and a wee wagger to handle tailwinds!

So, count your lucky stars this year ...cause every dog will have his day!

Theolonius McTavish, is a pain-in-the-butt sort of homo sapien who fits in quite well with other quirky quidnuncs in the Court of The Quipping Queen and a curious cosmic place called The Wordorium.