Hidden assumptions and implicit expectations can derail communication unless each point of view is expressed with simplicity and clarity. To see the point of view of the other and to communicate that understanding, each must respect the other's point of view. To understand and respect does not mean to agree.

The ultimate freedom is not to rely on someone else's response to determine how you feel about yourself.

The most common response to being unheard is to feel ineffective. This results in repetition, often combined with turning up the volume. Then, the content of the discussion gets more intense focus rather than the process of feeling unheard that initiated the derailment.

12 Relationship Principles 1. Each person has a point of view. 2. Communication establishes a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. 3. Developing empathy with another is predicated on doing it with yourself first. Empathy is a way of listening to yourself as well as to another person's entire experience of feeling, thinking, perceiving, and behaving. Rapport is from the French word rapporter which means to be in touch or contact with a person, including yourself. 4. What someone believes is more important than what they know. 5. To require that someone else responds to you in a particular way renders inauthentic both the person and their response. 6. What you don't do is as important as what you do. 7. Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time to teach fire safety principles. 8. There are few true emergencies in life. "I'd like to think about that and get back to you" is a response. 9. How empathic ruptures are learned from, understood, and repaired becomes a core maintenance aspect of every relationship. Everyone fails empathically with another at times. The most important thing may not be what you have done, but what you do after what you have done. 10. To forgive someone is to free yourself; if you hold on to anger and hurt, you continue to hold the injury. 11. You cannot change yourself by first trying to change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Attempting to change someone else's mode of processing or personality style won't work--and will create derailments. Quicken software cannot be changed or rehabilitated to WordPerfect. 12. To have someone live an unexpressed part of yourself can be both unsatisfying and addictive.

4 Ways to Enhance a Relationship Story

This exercise can expedite full expression and development of the relationship using the principles outlined above. 1. Reflect on what you have learned from previous contacts: * How did I do in my last conversation? How do I feel about that? * What patterns in my relationship and conversations do I want to change? To outgrow? * What patterns in my relationship and conversations do I want to expand? To initiate? * What judgments do I make of myself around this person? What judgments do I make of him/her? * What judgments or criticism do I assume and expect? 2. Prepare for co-creating a new relationship story: * Outline the basic aspects of the story you want to create. * Consider your frame of mind prior to your communication. Get centered in your body and relaxed. 3. Further the agenda: * What do we each want from the other? * What do we each need from the other? * Am I relying on this person to provide some need or want that I could provide for myself * What could I communicate to convey precisely what I want and need? * Do I know precisely how my collaboration partner sees the issues? 4. Foster the process of communication: * With emotionally charged topics, reflect back to your partner what you hear him or her saying before offering your point. This reflection assures the other's sense of effectiveness--to know that you register what was said. The other person is then in a better position to listen to you. * Am I being all of myself in the relationship? * Am I being aware not to take things personally? * How could I better support my collaboration partner?

We are always communicating; there are many languages, and some even use words.

David Krueger, M.D. is CEO of MentorPath, an executive coaching practice tailored to the needs of coaches, entrepreneurs, and healing professionals. Dr. Krueger is author of 12 books on success, money, work, and self-development. www.MentorPath.com