What if you knew what to say?
Do you sometimes feel if you just knew what or how to say something to your partner, things would be different?
I, a few weeks ago, had a horrible day and a half with my partner because I used words that he couldn't comprehend. There was something going on in our sex life that reminded me of a past relationship - something that I felt was inconsiderate. I'm not sure if you have experienced this or not, but using words like:
• It disturbs me
• It makes me angry
• I feel uncomfortable
didn't have the positive effect I wanted.
"It turns me off" got his attention... men have an innate diversion to turning us off.
Try it... saying words like- "I feel turned off, when I don't hear from you"; "When that happens it turns me off" "Not knowing what's happening in a relationship turns me off."
You may feel that saying these kind of things will make you appear needy or demanding. The contrary is true- they are very powerful, and you appear very strong to be able to say them. You are simply not turned on to him when "this happens", and this is something your partner can understand.
Before you use those words if possible:
• try to say something positive to him - something about what you liked about something he did, for example - "I loved the way you looked at me this morning, it turned me on", "Thank you for taking out the garbage, it made me able to feel relaxed after diner," etc.
• don't use the word "you" in a negative way, without the words "turned off" example - "You hurt me when you said that", "why did you do that," etc.just breed fights, or your partner turning you off.
• instead whenever you can try to be generic, "I feel hurt when someone doesn't pay attention to me" instead of "when you don't pay attention to me I feel hurt".
You could, however, say "It turns me off when I don't have someone's full attention when I am talking with them" or even "that turns me off when you stare at other women".
It is good to be authentic, so start noticing what does really turn you on or off from him. Do you, by any chance, get turned on when-
• He doesn't call you
• Flirts with another woman in front of you
• Treats you badly in some way
This is a subject for another Love Note, but for now just try to notice your response - Does bad behavior actually turn me on? It does for lots of women. And if it does for you, it could be helpful for you to be aware of this - a possible indicator of co-dependency.
About the Author:
All of this takes practice and has subtle nuances. Please feel free to ask me questions about it firstname.lastname@example.org
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Just a few tweaks could make the difference between the relationship you really want and the one you have.